I could give you the answer in 4 words. Yet I’d love for you to read this article with an open mind and heart; written with Love, from someone who has experienced grief in all its intensity. I know the emotional and mental pain, and I also know that physically grief can feel like acid poured into your stomach. So, allow me to share…
Myths in Grief
For a long time, people have tried to put a square peg in a round hole. Society offers “The 5 Stages of Grief” by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross as the tool to use – yet it doesn’t work for grief in general. Dr. Kübler-Ross wrote about those stages when working with terminally ill people and has often stated herself how these stages were misinterpreted. In other words: She wrote them for anticipatory grief.
There are a lot of unhealthy beliefs floating around, such as:
- Grief will last forever.
- There’ll always be a hole in my heart.
- Grief is just the other side of Love.
- Healing means leaving Grief behind.
Here are my thoughts: We need more helpful language in Grief; one that allows the possibility of healing. But often we don’t know what’s available to us, until someone offers it. I’d love to give you some ideas.
Grief Language
I remember the long condolences line at my dad’s funeral vividly. I was 20, and had to endure hundreds of people hugging me, saying the same line over again: “My Condolences!”. I also remember the anger that was bubbling up in me. The frustration. The senselessness of those words echoed in my heart. It was unbearable. These words land differently when you are on the receiving end.
26 years later I found myself at another funeral parlour, planning the Celebration of Life for my husband. When the Funeral Director asked me “Condolences Line?” as if saying “Do you want fries with that?” my instant answer was a firm “No.” I couldn’t bear the thought of my boys, at the ages of 10 and 8, having to endure the same ordeal I had to withstand.
Here are some examples I’d love for you to consider:
Instead of: Try this:
“My Condolences” “My heart goes out to you!”
“There’ll always be a hole in my heart.” “There’ll always be a place in my heart.”
“Tell me if you need anything.” “I can come and sit with you tomorrow?”
“I know how you feel!” “Would you like to talk about it?”
We need to learn how to hold space for someone in grief; become comfortable with the uncomfortable. Grief is nothing to be fixed. No advice in the world will change what happened. And yes, grief changes you. Yet it doesn’t have to define you for the rest of your life. You have choices to make; one of the most important ones is: “How will you respond to it?”
Grief activates a primal power within us. We can let this power destroy us, or we can learn how to tab into it to rebuild us. Step by step; choice by choice.
Grief creates Clutter
Grief doesn’t just live in our hearts. It shows up everywhere.
In our homes.
In our minds.
In our nervous systems.
After my loss, I found myself surrounded by physical clutter I couldn’t touch. Every item had emotional connection; like my husband’s workbag leaning against our bed. Our cat slept on it every night. It took me 6 months before I could place it somewhere else. Every decision felt heavy. A year later, I hired a decluttering expert; her empathy and professionalism were incredibly helpful in the process.
The emotional clutter showed up in other ways:
Unspoken words. Brain Fog. Fear. Identity confusion: “Who am I after loss?”
I learned that healing often starts with gentle decluttering. Not just your wardrobe or your garage, but your inner world. Allow yourself to voice it – whether that’s in the form of journaling, with a Grief Coach or Counsellor, or simply with a friend. Trust what feels right for you.
Create a space where you can express your thoughts and emotions.
And make use of some specifically designed somatic exercises, breathwork, massages to calm your nervous system. The body keeps the score. Be gentle and choose SelfCare and SelfLove deliberately.
Being Witnessed
Grief can feel incredibly lonely. Often people who love us don’t know how to sit with us and hold space – witness with Love, no question, no judgement, no expectation.
We don’t heal well in isolation. The right community matters so much.
Reimagining a Life worth Loving
Grief strips us bare.
But it can also become an invitation to gently ask yourself:
“Who am I now?”
“What matters most?”
“What do I want to create from here?”
For me, grief became the doorway to deeper truth, clearer purpose, and a life I now live with more courage and intention than ever before.
My husband and I had once promised each other:
“If something was to ever happen to me, I want you to create the happiest life possible for you and the boys!”
Neither of us could’ve known that it would become our reality less than 3 years later.
But our promise became my lighthouse in my darkest hour.
If you’re grieving right now, whether your loss is fresh or decades old, I want you to know this:
You do not have to rush.
You are allowed to heal.
Love just wants you to be happy.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Grief changes us.
But how it changes you, is only yours to decide.
What has landed for you, reading this? And are you curious where grief can take you? I gently invite you to open your heart to the possibility of healing!
By Marie Alessi
About the Author
Marie is a Grief Alchemist, bestselling Author, TEDx and Keynote Speaker. After her husband’s unexpected death, she decided to heal and create happiness for her young family. Becoming a widow at 45 was nothing she had anticipated. Marie has dedicated her life to Bringing Lightness into Grief!
For more info or to connect with Marie, visit MarieAlessi.com
