I Was 50 When I Realised My Life Wasn’t Over
For almost ten years, I watched my life pass by as I sat on the couch.
Not because I was lazy.
Not because I had given up.
But because I was emotionally, physically and completely exhausted.
The kind of exhaustion that settles into your bones after years of carrying responsibilities that never end.
For decades my world has revolved around caring for my son who suffers from a complicated mental illness, and addiction, crisis after crisis. While other people were building careers, planning holidays and thinking about retirement, I was navigating psychiatric wards, crisis calls, police stations and the constant fear of losing someone I loved.
Somewhere along the way, I disappeared from my own life.
It didn’t happen all at once, it occurred slowly, quietly and so invisibly.
I became so focused on helping my son that I forgot completely about myself.
The Moment Everything Changed
People often imagine a turning point as a dramatic event in their lives, but mine wasn’t like that, there were no breakthrough conversations, no life changing opportunities, or sudden miracles.
Instead, it arrived as a single uncomfortable thought, as I sat on the couch of my own discontent.
I was nearly 50 years of age and I had been waiting to die on that couch.
It sounds ridiculous, but when you have spent years surviving, you just stop thinking about your future.
You become completely consumed by getting through today. Then tomorrow. Then the day after that.
Suddenly I realised if I kept waiting for life to return to me, I could be here for another 10 years or maybe even longer!
That possibility scared me more than starting all over again.
One Small BRAVE Decision
I didn’t have a grand plan. I had no idea which way was up, I just knew the couch time was over and I had to do something else, something different.
So I enrolled in art school, at the ripe age of 50
I doubted myself constantly. I wondered whether I belonged there. I worried that I was too old for all of this, and too far behind.
I survived the first day, and I went to another class, one assignment became two.
One BRAVE became another.
Slowly, I began to remember parts of myself that had been buried beneath years of caregiving, responsibility and survival.
I didn’t find a new career in art school, I found myself.
The Lesson
What began as one small decision grew into something much bigger than I could have imagined,
I began to live beyond possibly beyond my limited imagination, beyond surviving day by day.
I began to remember that I mattered too.
As I gathered the broken pieces that lay scattered on the floor, I have been building what was missing, what I needed when I lost myself within caring
Because I could still see the pain and anguish in the hearts and lives of unpaid caregivers.
People often ask me when my life changed, so that can put a pin in it and copy my success, but the truth is it wasn’t a monumental moment that arrived, it was a collection of BRAVE steps over and over and over again
My life changed the moment I realised my story wasn’t finished. The moment I stopped waiting for permission to do anything, it happened the moment I understood that caring for others did not require abandoning myself.
Today, at 63, I am building a life I never imagined possible. I have decided to age backwards even though my bones hurt and its harder to stand upright.
Life has not suddenly become easier, and my challenges have not disapeared.
What has happened though is that I finally realised that my dreams matter too, no matter how big or how small I want them to be.
If there is one thing I hope people take from my story, it is this:
You can spend years believing the best parts of your life are over, you can spend years putting your dreams on hold and waiting for the perfect timing, and you can most certainly spend your life surviving, because you think you have no other choice or you can choose something different.
Sometimes the bravest thing you will ever do is believe that there is still a chapter left to write in your own life.
What part of your life have you been waiting to reclaim?
By Christina JohnsÂ
Author Bio
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Christina Johns is a therapeutic artist, speaker, lived experience advocate and founder of Destination BRAVE. For more than four decades she has navigated the realities of mental illness, addiction, caregiving and survival while supporting her son through challenges most families never imagine. Today, she uses creativity, courage and lived experience to help carers and overwhelmed humans remember that they matter too. Christina is the author of the upcoming memoir Called To Care.
