Years ago, I was a single mum with a questionable relationship track record. Like many people, I firmly believed I was unlucky in love… Until I realised luck had very little to do with it. My choices, blind spots and repeated patterns were the real problem.
I married young and divorced within a few years. Later, I met someone at work and became stuck in an unhealthy on-and-off relationship that lasted nearly a decade. We broke up and got back together more times than I can remember. Each time, I convinced myself things would be different.
Eventually, there came a point of no return, so I ended it for good. I thought that would be the end of it. Little did I know, it became the beginning of one of the most difficult periods of my life.
Things escalated in ways I could have never imagined: I was watched and exposed. Anyone who has experienced stalking and harassment will understand how deeply unsettling it can be, especially when it involves cyberstalking and hacking. In my case, the police didn’t take it seriously at the time, which made it even more frightening and isolating.
Private information was used against me and, because we worked in the same industry, some of it reached professional contacts too. At one point, it felt like my life was over.
The Moment I Took My Life Back
One day, I woke up feeling utterly fed up with wasting some of my best years feeling sorry for myself. I decided I wasn’t going to allow anyone destroy my life or define my future. I accepted responsibility for my part in getting into and staying in that relationship. It felt surprisingly liberating and easier than remaining trapped in victimhood and anger.
Years later, I came across a quote from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus that captured what I’d discovered: “Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation; you are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be.”
What happened was awful, but I had a choice about what happened next.
Over time, I moved and gradually recovered from the nightmare. What took longer was understanding my own role in repeatedly choosing incompatible partners.
A couple of unsuccessful relationships and lots of disappointing dates followed, however, instead of blaming bad luck, I began asking different questions, for example:
Why do some people naturally build healthy relationships while others keep repeating the same painful patterns?
At the time, there was very little practical help available. So, I started researching and immersed myself in psychology, relationship science and human behaviour, wanting to understand attraction, compatibility, attachment, communication and decision-making.
The more I learned, the more I realised there was a healthier way to approach dating. I developed my own framework and started applying it in my own life.
Things changed remarkably quickly. Not long after, I met my now husband. He had been through his own journey of self-discovery and was asking himself a similar question: “What am I doing wrong?”
We met on a dating site eight years ago. Today, when we look at our life in the Berkshire countryside and our wonderful blended family, there are still moments when it feels slightly unreal!
The Real Turning Point
As our relationship grew, we spent countless hours discussing dating, relationships and the mistakes we’d both made. Those conversations led me to two important realisations.
The first was how many intelligent, capable people are stumbling through dating in the dark. We spend more time researching mortgages, jobs and holidays than we do thinking carefully about what we need in a life partner.
Few decisions have a greater impact on our happiness, wellbeing and future, so why are people so flippant about it?
The second realisation was how little qualified help exists. A psychologist can help you understand many things about yourself, which is valuable. Yet practical guidance on dating, partner selection and recognising whether someone is right for you requires specialist knowledge.
I realised there was a gap and gradually, transitioned out of my corporate career and trained as a Relationship and Dating Coach under one of the world’s leading relationship experts.
My mission became clear: I wanted to help people avoid some of the painful mistakes I had made and create greater harmony in their lives.
Thankfully, we have access to extensive research about attraction and long-term relationship success. Love may feel magical and mysterious, yet behind that magic is psychology and neuroscience. Understanding how love and the best relationships work doesn’t remove the magic; it just removes fear and confusion.
Not every relationship can be saved. Some should never begin in the first place.
The good news is that healthy love is not a matter of luck. It’s a skill and an art which can be mastered.
About Mila Smith – From Single to Couple Consulting
With over 25 years of experience in relationship management and a science-backed approach, I’ve made it my mission to help men and women create greater harmony in their lives by approaching dating and relationships with clarity, emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
Are you ready to do it differently and find love that feels like home? I can help you break unhealthy patterns and build a happy, lasting relationship.
I’ve been featured in the Daily Mail, The Mirror, The Independent, HELLO!, BBC Radio, GB News TV, Newsweek, Yahoo and many other media outlets. Visit my media page to learn more: www.single-to-couple.com
Ready to take charge of your love life? Contact me to arrange a free confidential discovery call: mila@single-to-couple.com
