A cold morning that changed everything
On a cold January morning in 2025, I woke up with an unmistakable feeling that something was very wrong. My body ached, my head throbbed, mouth and lips burned and I felt sick to my stomach. This was not a heavy cold, and it was not the sort of thing I could throw clothes over and get on with my day. This was proper, stay in bed flu.
Devastatingly, it was also the morning of my SQE1, the first of the Solicitor Qualifying Exams that I had spent nine gruelling months studying for. These exams come around twice a year, and they are a big deal. I tried to get up, took a few steps, but dizziness and nausea put me straight back into bed. I wasn’t going anywhere.
The treadmill stops
I spent the next four days in bed, which was highly unusual for me. I am not someone who stays in bed once I have woken up, and taking to my bed for illness is a rare event. On day five, when I finally made it down to the sofa armed with a duvet, warm soup and a very contented greyhound, I had some time to think.
And when I delved a little deeper into myself, I realised something unexpected. A sense of relief. Â Relieved that the treadmill had stopped long enough for me to step off, and relieved that perhaps I had been given some time to re-evaluate my life choices.
The shoes that never really fitted
I had made the decision to pivot into law two years earlier, partly because as someone who had spent a career lifetime leaping from role to role, from employment to self-employment and from one qualification to another, I felt a strong need to legitimise myself. To prove to everyone around me that I could be a grown up, study a sensible craft and work my way methodically through a proper career path. At 45 years of age, that sounds ridiculous when I look back.
I completed my Postgraduate Diploma in Law in 2023 and moved into a paralegal role while continuing to study. It was during that period of working full time (including miserable journeys into London twice a week), studying every free hour I had, that warning signs really started to stack up. I was physically unwell often, I found office life very hard, I struggled with my mood regulation and anxiety, I put on a lot of weight, and I had two separate accidents that forced me to take time off work to recover. Old back problems resurfaced and I struggled to sit for long periods or find a comfortable sleeping position. Still I pushed, until my body quietly knocking became my body kicking down the door.
Understanding why
Since that January morning I have changed my life entirely. I decided not to continue my legal path. The past 18 months focused on making peace with the person I am and how I need to live and work. A significant part of that journey has been receiving an ADHD diagnosis, which has helped me understand myself especially the part that I have spent decades feeling quietly ashamed of. I better understand my need for variety, and my own schedule, my difficulty working for others. Why I leap between ideas and interests and careers, not because I lack commitment or follow through, but because my brain is wired that way.
I learned that I need to work for myself because my energy and productivity levels are inconsistent and I need that freedom to flex. I am hugely diligent and effective in what I do, but I need to work within my own parameters to manage my wellbeing and my very busy brain. Trying to force myself into a rigid conventional career path was never being grown up. It was just squeezing into shoes that didn’t fit.
Where I am now
Today I work as a Reiki practitioner, coach and equine coach, alongside running an organisational and culture consultancy with a special interest in psychological safety and wellbeing for employees. I also found a passion for writing currently working on a book about the past 18 months. Its working title Diary of a Gutsy Woman and aimed at ADHD entrepreneurs and solopreneurs who feel like they are not doing it right simply because they are not doing it the way everyone else thinks they should.
My reflections have made me wonder – how many of us are quietly living life in shoes that don’t fit, pushing through the discomfort and convincing ourselves that eventually our feet will adjust?
Sometimes the kindest thing your body can do is force you to stop. Is it time to give your feet a chance to change their shoes?
By Claudia De Silva
About the author
Claudia De Silva is a Coach, Consultant and Reiki Practitioner with a passion for helping individuals and organisations break unhealthy patterns and untangle their proverbial ball of knotted wool.
Her career has spanned over 20 years and ranged from co-owning and running a deli and coffee shop and catering business at the age of 25 to being an HR Director at a top 100 firm of accountants and setting up and running her own HR consultancy business (with lots in between).
She now works for herself in a way that fits how her brain actually works and is currently writing her first book, Diary of a Gutsy Woman, for ADHD entrepreneurs and solopreneurs who feel like they are doing it wrong. For more information check out her website: claudiadesilvacoaching.co.uk
What an absolute privilege to be part of Transform Reads and be able to share my story. Thank you
I really enjoyed reading your article Claudia and could relate to it in so many ways! Thanks for sharing your experiences and how you realised something had to change. It’s inspiring to hear your story!
Really enjoyed reading this article – thanks for sharing your experiences. Very inspiring that you’re now following your true path & passion!
A great read and inspiration especially since like you I realised later on in life that I am neurospicey. Those aha moments when life throws an unexpected pause that can transform things may not seem great at the time (at least for me) are so powerful when you really take a moment to think how things have become so much better as a result.
So interesting and so true how the body communicates to us. I wonder how many people aren’t listening (probably most of us!)
Great Article – I loved the reflection of living in shoes that don’t fit!